Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
