Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
