Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
