I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
