its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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