Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
