i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
