I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
