if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize