Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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