I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
