well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
