If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
