I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
