I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Gay?
German.
Pity.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
