I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
