Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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