Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
