she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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