Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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