im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
