so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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