just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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