i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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