According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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