I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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