Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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