Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Randomize
