come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
