better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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