i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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