I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize