I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
