Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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