3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
two words: eviction party
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
