I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
