I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
