Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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