I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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