Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
