I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
