god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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