we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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