3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
