I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize