The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
