I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
