our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think your dad took our porno
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
