if i can run in heels then i can drive
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
