You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
