Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
