yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
