sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
