You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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