Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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