Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
